he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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