He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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