Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
