i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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