can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
