I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
