clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
