Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
