my soul wont recognize me after tonight
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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