Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
