whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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