Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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