One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He felt like a one man threesome
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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