..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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