It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
