what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
