Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
bring money and cleavage
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
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We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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