So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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