and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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