my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
