I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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