Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
