im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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