using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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