Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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