so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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