i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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