remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
