1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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