i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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