God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
