Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
