nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
