ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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