i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.