just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night