mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.