oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.