Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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