There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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