A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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