So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
