Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
