i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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