Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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