you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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