I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
