i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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