Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
