There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
