she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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