It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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