college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
