A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
