Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
